north star 4, 9-1. Poor visitor

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9-1. Poor Visitor
1. It was my first day. I had come the night before, a gray-black and cold night before-as it was to be in the middle of January, though I didn`t know that at the time-and I could not see anything clearly on the way in from the airport, even though there were lights everywhere. As we drove along, someone would single out to me a famous building, an important street, a park, a bridge, that when built was thought to be spectacle. In a daydream I used to have, all these places were points of happiness to me; all these places were lifeboats to my small drowning soul, for I would imagine myself entering and leaving them, and just that-entering and leaving over and over again-would see me through a bad feeling I did not have a name for. I only knew it felt a little like sadness but heavier than that. Now that I saw these places, they looked ordinary, dirty, worn down by so many people entering and leaving them in real life, and it occurred to me that I could not be the only person in the world for whom they were a fixture of fantasy. it was not my first bout with the disappointment of reality and it would not be my last.

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